The best thing that you can do for yourself. Work, get skilled, learn. It’s quite possible you may not be able to deploy these skills as you may not be allowed to work etc. But learning and skilling oneself opens a whole new world and gives you amazing perspective on things. Even if you don’t work. When you are in a box, you think that box is your world. Break that box. Learn.
This is fantastic. But we also need to have counter laws that protect genuine women who are facing violence at home from women who fake domestic violence cases against their spouses. There must be harsh penalties meted out to such women. Not so much for men but this must be done for women. False cases against the men sours the system against women. And the system is run by men. We must remember that. We need the system to be fair and not get jaded by fake cases.
According to the Delhi Commission of Women (DCW), “between April 2013 and July 2014, of the 2,753 complaints of rape, only 1,287 cases were found to be true, and the remaining 1,464 cases were found to be false” (Source : Indiatoday.in). So what did happen to those women who filed false cases? No idea. But what must have happened to genuine rape cases locked in between those false one? You get the idea.
Every woman faces a different situation at home. Mixed with her competencies, incompetencies, fears, expectations etc. That’s why what is right or feels right for one woman may not be so for another. There is no one thumb rule here. There is no one solution that can be applied to every context. So you need to think for yourself and the situation you are in. It is unique and it needs you to think differently.
Some people are frauds of the worst kind. They pretend, use, manipulate those who are emotionally weak. And it’s OK to call them that : frauds.
It’s not a reflection on you, it’s just that they are emotional predators. And it’s important to stay away from such people for your own personal wellbeing. Many people shy away from calling a spade a spade, for whatever reason. They would rather change their behaviour or their thresholds for behavioural integrity, just so that the behaviour of the fraud is justified. This can be one of most self damaging actions one can do.
Sometimes one can’t help it. But what can one do is to completely cut physical contact, no matter how difficult. Out of sight, sometimes is out of mind. For abused people, it becomes more crucial to watch out for such people. Especially, because they are emotionally unstrung and can be easily manipulated.
Human emotions are nice, not nice, impersonal, personal, all kinds, thousand kinds. When your emotional system is screwed up, you tend to over expand all emotions. Nice becomes wonderful, not nice becomes horrible or deathly, impersonal becomes ‘i am not liked by this person’, personal becomes ‘this person loves me’.
Over dramatisation. The tendency to blow things out of proportion is something that every abused victim goes through. Emotional management is thus extremely important to function normally. And you need to work at it, as you would do stomach crunches to get a flat tummy.
Don’t be frightened to walk away from shit, if it happens over and over again. Don’t think there is something wrong with you. There is! That you think you need to accept the crap dished out to you, because you have walked away from it before, and because it has happened again, somehow it’s your fault. And thus, you must accept it.
NO. NO. Walk away every time, someone disrespects you. Or crosses that line with you. Whatever that threshold of tolerance that you have, if someone crosses it. Don’t be frightened to say : enough!
You have to do the best you can every day. As not only what you do but even what you don’t do, changes the lives of those around you. As much as the pain in your life, of what you go through, leaves little room for doing anything but surviving the next breath, the next day and day after, you still need to shake it all off and do the best you can at that very moment.
It could be something you have to do for yourself, for your parents or your siblings or your kids, your work etc. Mundane things in life even. Do it with a smile on your face, even a fake smile.
Because those who you love and those who love you, are watching every move you make and how every muscle in your body behaves – from a smile on your face, to a straight back, to your hair tied nicely, to the lipstick that you put on, to the nice clothes you wear. Everything. And they take cues from it and accordingly behave in their lives.
Do your best. It’s hard, but still.