This query was posted in a Domestic Violence Survivors group. Eksaath foundation had this advise. This would be relevant to all victims who are going are facing emotional harassment by their abuser. Most abusers live off the high they get from the harassing the victim. The victims fear feeds the abuse. The goal most often is to emotionally destabilise the victim and then go for the kill. In any abusive situation, a calm and cold unemotional response is like dousing the abusers abuse (at that point of time). Like water on fire. Every small victory helps.
First you need to stop giving into your fear and take charge of your emotions. The more emotional you will get the more ineffective and more you will appear to be unstable. Your abuser would be great at masking his emotions in front of others. Second, if his attempt to take custody has been thwarted then take that as evidence that you may be doing something right. Third, begin documenting every thing in an email to your self. The email will have date stamp that’s untamperable and can be used as evidence of the chaos that’s being caused. Fourth, take your children into confidence about what’s happening. The more you appear as a unit in private and public. The better it would be to counter his claims. Fifth, join a public group when you can participate and contribute to help other people. Building a supportive network will be most crucial. Again this will help in building a persona, that you are a great mom and citizen. If you are working, engage with professionals in social environment and professional environments where they see you perform as a capable person. Network with those in legal arena too. They could give you insight. Please enroll yourself and your children in self defense classes. As much as the harassment will continue, and it may. The only way to rebut the harassment is to build your emotional framework to be stronger.
A Girls Scouts team from the Northfield Elementary School in Maryland, USA supported Eksaath Foundation and collected a few clothes for girls. The clothes were donated to school girls in a Mumbai school.
Few weeks back I received a message from an old friend Kalpana V, that her 10 year old daughter, had heard about the work my foundation, Eksaath, is doing work with girls in sports. And she wanted to support Eksaath. This was one of most inspiring things I have experienced in my life. That a 10 year old could think of helping other little girls. She is in the Girl Scouts in US and with the support of other members in her team, she raised Rs 20,000. Plus clothing for children as well. The discussion with the young girl and her mother, happened over few weeks from July to August 2017.
As parents the best thing we can do for this world is to raise caring children. I met the young girl, in August and had an opportunity to interact with her. And she is an absolutely delightful human being. I am sure she will do more wonderful things in the future.
Eksaath Foundation thanks her for this initiative and God bless her with joy and success in everything that she does. Ps: Name of the child has been not mentioned to protect privacy, as requested by the mother.
Dealing with emotional abuse is battle of the mind. And if one can’t fight it then it destabilizes the victim and the victims children as well. Its insidious and it must be cut off at the source with appropriate responses. A critical response to emotional abuse is to disconnect oneself from what is being thrown at you.
Most emotional abusers count on victims accepting what is being said, without using their own reason and logic. If a victim can delink herself emotionally from the abuse hurled, and the abuser, she will be able to handle him better. The day she starts showing spine, the abuser will start responding differently.
An idealistic situation is to exit. But many women don’t or can’t due to many reasons known to them. So response management becomes crucial in tackling this. To get trapped in why me and why he is doing it, is a waste of time. Most abusers don’t feel that they are doing anything wrong and that their actions are not abusive. Say a slap to the victim is for her own good.
The only focus for victims is to protect their sanity. Not fix the abuser. And if there are children then it becomes more critical that the abuse is managed or cut as quickly as possible before the kids start realizing that something wrong is happening. Always remember words can kill, without leaving any evidence.
In an Eye Camp conducted by Eksaath Foundation, 6 children were diagnosed with dry optic nerve. Parents were advised to seek medical attention. Parents of two boys got their sons treated immediately.
Follow ups were done with other parents by the school principal and Eksaath. However, parents of 3 girls did not seek any medical advise. After repeated follow ups, we met the mothers of two girls.
We found that these two ladies (on the right) were victims of domestic violence. The reason why they would not take their daughters to even do preliminary examination, is because they could not do so. They both had told their husbands to take the girls for a check up and both husbands said they were too busy to do so.
Eksaath asked them if the husband raised his hands on them? Yes. The mothers understood the repercussion of not taking seeking medical help for their daughters and the damage that could happen to the eyes. Yet, fear of violence from the husband, stopped them from taking any steps.
For women in violence, the only goal is the survival of self. If they can get through that, it’s a very big thing. Kids grow up just like that. Education, health is on the back burner. For girls in poor families, it becomes more difficult when men flutter around like vultures. And if the girl has vision loss? Remains uneducated? One can only imagine what can happen. Or one dare not imagine what could happen!!!