Dealing with emotional abuse is battle of the mind. And if one can’t fight it then it destabilizes the victim and the victims children as well. Its insidious and it must be cut off at the source with appropriate responses. A critical response to emotional abuse is to disconnect oneself from what is being thrown at you.
Most emotional abusers count on victims accepting what is being said, without using their own reason and logic. If a victim can delink herself emotionally from the abuse hurled, and the abuser, she will be able to handle him better. The day she starts showing spine, the abuser will start responding differently.
An idealistic situation is to exit. But many women don’t or can’t due to many reasons known to them. So response management becomes crucial in tackling this. To get trapped in why me and why he is doing it, is a waste of time. Most abusers don’t feel that they are doing anything wrong and that their actions are not abusive. Say a slap to the victim is for her own good.
The only focus for victims is to protect their sanity. Not fix the abuser. And if there are children then it becomes more critical that the abuse is managed or cut as quickly as possible before the kids start realizing that something wrong is happening. Always remember words can kill, without leaving any evidence.
In an Eye Camp conducted by Eksaath Foundation, 6 children were diagnosed with dry optic nerve. Parents were advised to seek medical attention. Parents of two boys got their sons treated immediately.
Follow ups were done with other parents by the school principal and Eksaath. However, parents of 3 girls did not seek any medical advise. After repeated follow ups, we met the mothers of two girls.
We found that these two ladies (on the right) were victims of domestic violence. The reason why they would not take their daughters to even do preliminary examination, is because they could not do so. They both had told their husbands to take the girls for a check up and both husbands said they were too busy to do so.
Eksaath asked them if the husband raised his hands on them? Yes. The mothers understood the repercussion of not taking seeking medical help for their daughters and the damage that could happen to the eyes. Yet, fear of violence from the husband, stopped them from taking any steps.
For women in violence, the only goal is the survival of self. If they can get through that, it’s a very big thing. Kids grow up just like that. Education, health is on the back burner. For girls in poor families, it becomes more difficult when men flutter around like vultures. And if the girl has vision loss? Remains uneducated? One can only imagine what can happen. Or one dare not imagine what could happen!!!
A professionally qualified woman, working in a IT company. A love marriage and within 3-4 months, the abuse from mother in law started including curses and beating with chappals.
She was married for 5 years and her husband said nothing. But got angry with her too, once in a while. But was nice, according to her. Few weeks back, the beating happened again. She called him and told him she was leaving. And she came to her parents house. The parents are supportive of her.
She has a small son and her concern was her husband did not reach out to her when she was with her parents. If you left without my permission, you will have to come back on your own, her husband told her. What should she do, as she was confused?
She shared details about her marriage and finally mentioned that she wanted to maintain her marriage. It followed that if she wanted to do so, then she must be prepared to deal with her mother in law.
As we spoke, she realised how things were impacting not just her and her relationship with her husband. The situation was affecting her son too.
The goal of the call was to just help her gain clarity on her decision which would be hers and hers alone. Whatever decision she took, she needed to keep her and her son’s safety at the top of the priority list and do what’s necessary to ensure that.
I got a call from someone who introduced her to Eksaath. The lady went back to her husband but she got her family involved, and cops too. And made sure her mother in law understood the repercussions of her behaviour. Hopefully her inlaws will change their behavior permanently.
Women have to understand if they want to see the change, they have to change the way they respond to violence. Not be defensive about it or ashamed. But deal with it head on.
Eksaath donated 3 PCs to a low income school in Mumbai. The school has some 835 children, with 50% girls. The PCs will be used in the school lab. Thanks to our donors, Dr R.W and Mrs Dr P.R.W (They wish to remain anonymous). Dr R.W got these PCs fixed and made it fully functional. And then bought new keyboards to go with each PC. Eksaath cannot him thank enough. If you wish to donate, please contact us.
If your parents have been mean to you (abusive) in any way when you were a kid, you will self destruct in adult hood. That is the way the cookie always crumbles.
Acknowledge the pain that you feel. Talk about it with your parents. Say – “You did this to me and it made me feel like crap”. If your parents acknowledge the wrong that they did to you, great. That’s the first step towards fixing your fucked up life. If they don’t. Acknowledge it to yourself. That what happened in your childhood did happen. And is still happening to you. And all your behaviour as adult is in response to perhaps what happened to you as a child.
There is a deep connection between the abuse that happens in ones childhood and the abuse one does to others or to oneself as an adult. The only way is to not rationalise it. To accept it as causation. Sometimes the effects of what one goes through as a kid, starts showing up decades later. Just like that.
To understand what one does now, one has to understand what happened to one, then. The past can be a great teacher. Don’t shove it under the carpet. Don’t hide from it. Acknowledge it. And perhaps then it will start letting you go and free you.
Domestic violence is not carried out only by men in slums, or men drunk, or men unemployed, or this kind of a man or that kind of a man. A rich man is as capable of beating the crap out of his wife as a poor man is. And a woman with money and education and a great job, can also be in a domestic violence situation and choose to live with her violent husband.
Men and women in home wrecks don’t come with horns of their head. Majority lead double, triple lives with multiple personalities. Many abusive people are extremely nice, well respected and admired in society. And at home they are extremely abusive with their families.
The lady who got abused by the CEO/abuser will have nightmares for next decade and even more unless he seeks therapy. It will be an uphill battle for her to come to terms with one of the most crucial self esteem breakers – how could i let him do this to me! This is one question that torments women more than anything and it becomes worse when you ask this question and you continue to take the violence.
For women who live in abusive situation, the most difficult step is to take that first step towards separation. To say enough. Its quite possible to be in love with your abuser and continue to love him or her. Who we fall in love with, we cannot help. But we can choose how we allow them to treat us.