Domestic violence cases are not red flagged ones.

So there is this piece of data that is floating via #Zindagi channel – that you can easily spot a domestic violence case. The answer to this is a BIG definitive NO.

Domestic Violence cases are not red flagged ones, that you can spot a mile away. Hey there goes that woman who gets beat up. Yes, if you find a woman with bruises, time and time again, she is most probably a victim of violence. But because you cannot see the bruises and blood etc, does not preclude a woman from being a victim of violence.

Are there obvious signs for a domestic violence case? Not all the time. There was a case, where a woman left office sharp at 6 pm. She was bright, smart, aggressive, with an MBA degree. And she was a role model for work life balance. Reality was, she needed to leave at 6 pm sharp and had to reach home before her husband came back from work. Why? Because he did not like her staying at work beyond a certain time, and had whacked her before for staying late. There were no trauma signs on her physical self. But yes she was a victim of home or domestic abuse.

Another point on the channel being made, a man who is excessively possessive is a perpetrator of violence. Again a resounding NO. Men by the very nature are territorial. A man can be possessive, may not like his wife or girlfriend speaking to another man etc. That does not translate to being abusive. Unless his unacceptance is combined with actual emotional or physical abuse.

Aggressiveness in a relationship is not being abusive. This also needs to include the limits that are acceptable to women. Every woman is different. What one woman may think to be possessive is claustrophobic, another may deem it to be natural.

It’s important not to paint text book phrases to aggressive situations. Context and reciprocal acceptance and non acceptance of that context is also material, when defining a abusive or violent situation. It’s very important to bear this in mind.

For a daughter who deals with an abusive mother at 40.

The thing about taking care of a mother who calls you a bitch and a whore is that as an adult you still cannot believe that it’s your mom who is saying this to you. And that while you are taking care of her and ensuring she is fine, paying your bills, taking care of your own married family, it really does not matter to your mom because deep down she believes you owe her. That the world has done her wrong and the world owes her.

You cannot run from your duty, because that will haunt you. So what do you do? Close your eyes and ears and pretend it’s a dirty job to be done. Just like you have to take a bitter pill every day? That’s how.

The idea that somehow you can do this would seem herculean. But it’s very possible to disconnect the child from yourself and just be one adult taking care of a, well, a horrible person. Perhaps who herself maybe dealing with her own demons.

But your’s is not to fix her demons, but to survive her. And lead your life and the only thing you can do is shut your ears to the filth and do the best you can. Whatever you can.

Her destiny is not your doing. She is responsible for her own fate. So do what you can and don’t judge yourself. Ever.