Abuse and self destruction are linked..

If your parents have been mean to you (abusive) in any way when you were a kid, you will self destruct in adult hood. That is the way the cookie always crumbles.

Acknowledge the pain that you feel. Talk about it with your parents. Say – “You did this to me and it made me feel like crap”. If your parents acknowledge the wrong that they did to you, great. That’s the first step towards fixing your fucked up life. If they don’t. Acknowledge it to yourself. That what happened in your childhood did happen. And is still happening to you. And all your behaviour as adult is in response to perhaps what happened to you as a child.

There is a deep connection between the abuse that happens in ones childhood and the abuse one does to others or to oneself as an adult. The only way is to not rationalise it. To accept it as causation. Sometimes the effects of what one goes through as a kid, starts showing up decades later. Just like that.

To understand what one does now, one has to understand what happened to one, then. The past can be a great teacher. Don’t shove it under the carpet. Don’t hide from it. Acknowledge it. And perhaps then it will start letting you go and free you.

Some scary folks are fabulous!

 

Not all scary looking people are scary. Who are they. These rugged intimidating folks are bikers and belong to the organisation, Bikers Against Child Abuse (B.A.C.A.). The group protects children in abusive situations.

For children/women of abuse people like the ones in the picture are a godsend. For the victim, sometimes a little courage and support from someone on the outside, stops the process of abuse.

Most of the time, outsiders, neighbours, relatives etc think – its a personal matter, why interfere ? THIS thinking is what needs to be rethought. Its not a personal matter when some man or woman beats or tortures his or her family members. You supporting or standing up for the victim may not, at that point, do any good. But sometimes this in itself can trigger a self preservation mode in the victim and the victim gets divine courage to fight back.

So if you are in the vicinity of someone getting slapped around, don’t walk away, don’t close your door, don’t say its not your problem. Even the slightest of support can save someone’s life. (Picture Source : bacaworld.org)

Should you stay with abuser, so you can become strong?!?

Should you go back to your former abuser so that you can deal with the abuse better or train yourself emotionally to strengthen yourself and get your power back? In an abusive situation, most often the abused victim loses a sense of self and ability to judge. If you go back to an environment that strips one of self respect, it’s humanly impossible to get your emotional balance back, without serious emotional support and guidance. It’s not advisable to do what this article states because it could be physically dangerous.

Especially, if kids are involved, there is no room for experimentation. It’s a straight exit from the physical confines of the abuse. Unless the abuser shows drastic positive change, there is no room for contact. Even then there is a period of probation. The rules of custody or shared parenting will apply at some places. And the mother has to deal with the child still being trapped in the abusive cycle, which perhaps the courts cannot see.

Nothing is more gutting and damaging than verbal abuse. And for a mother/parent to see the child go through it, is hell. But how you (mother/parent) deal with it or respond to the abuse from the other parent, even remotely, will impact how your child will deal with it when he or she is actually going through it.

A parent who no longer has to deal with the abuse in person, still goes through it, through their child. What can you do? Practice being unemotional and teach your kid to be so too. Do yoga, meditate, take therapy so that you remain calm at all times. How you respond will determine how your child will respond. So if you pretend it does not matter, your child will be able to deal with it much much better. The idea to be projected is, what the abusive parent does, does not matter. Water of a ducks back, so to speak.

Teach your child to hear the abuse, but not process it. Practice positive body language, for example, teach your kid to behave positively to show the abusive parent is the greatest. No need to prove a point or be antagonistic, that parent is always right. Reduce friction. The goal should be to manage the interaction between the abusive parent and your child. Even remotely. Easy to do? No. But with practice, you will be able to keep the abusive parent in a normal mood. The goal should be to make your child emotionally stronger, so that he or she can deal with the parent and be physically safe, if nothing else.

Learn to give it back!

Being nice is hygiene. But being nice is not a synonym for being a doormat. It’s ok to take your tongue out for a good word lashing on someone, when someone crosses that line.  Don’t fear. Use that fantastic piece of equipment ferociously when needed.  Don’t think – let it go. NO.

Every time a line is crossed with you, and you don’t respond appropriately, you are raising the threshold level higher for people to do what they want. And you won’t even know it.

Disrespect and abuse is sometimes very very insidious and you won’t even know it’s happening to you. So you need to force yourself to respond and defend the self every time that line is crossed. It’s an important act to keep your self esteem high.

You can live without your abuser!

You can love someone who tortures you. There is no control over who you love. But you can be away from those who torture you. That you can control. And as torturous as that can be, to be away from the one you love, it would be more damaging to you to be with him or her.

Take that step to walk away. It might take time to disconnect or disengage. But your spirit will be intact. And you will not have a problem looking in the mirror.

Sometimes even feeling crappy is OK. As long as you get to have moments of unbruised love with the person you are in love with. You feel, those moments will tide you through life. You know what they will. But do you want to? And should you? Should you not want to feel no pain and just be happy?

Google the web and see how many many women live alone, yet lead happy lives. It’s very possible and OK to be alone. You need to get the idea straight. A man who beats you and torments you does not love you. So why would you want to be with someone like that?

You can’t fix someone else’s mess.

No matter how hard you try, you cannot fix or solve other people’s problems. Many in toxic relationships, keep hoping against hope that things will change. But they won’t. Don’t waste your life, trying to fix someone else’s destiny. That’s not your job.

This said, if you have the strength and inclination, be there for them. Be there to listen, or give support when necessary. But don’t make the woman feel guilty about staying in an abusive situation even when she has repeatedly told you she wants to leave him.

Sometimes it gets tiring to listen to the same story again and again. But that’s the best you can do. And hope, sense prevails.