If your parents have been mean to you (abusive) in any way when you were a kid, you will self destruct in adult hood. That is the way the cookie always crumbles.
Acknowledge the pain that you feel. Talk about it with your parents. Say – “You did this to me and it made me feel like crap”. If your parents acknowledge the wrong that they did to you, great. That’s the first step towards fixing your fucked up life. If they don’t. Acknowledge it to yourself. That what happened in your childhood did happen. And is still happening to you. And all your behaviour as adult is in response to perhaps what happened to you as a child.
There is a deep connection between the abuse that happens in ones childhood and the abuse one does to others or to oneself as an adult. The only way is to not rationalise it. To accept it as causation. Sometimes the effects of what one goes through as a kid, starts showing up decades later. Just like that.
To understand what one does now, one has to understand what happened to one, then. The past can be a great teacher. Don’t shove it under the carpet. Don’t hide from it. Acknowledge it. And perhaps then it will start letting you go and free you.